Stephen Faulkner


It all started out with a dirty joke told during a simple double date among friends. 

“And the Big Bad Wolf showed off his evilest smile,” Benny Bloshard said as he continued with his little story, “and he said, ‘Little Red Riding Hood, be ready, because I’m going to eat you!”  Benny tried to stifle a laugh as he geared himself up for the punchline. “’Oh,’ said Little Red Riding Hood,” he said in his best girlish falsetto, “’doesn’t anyone just fuck anymore?’”

Having heard Benny’s joke more times than he cared to admit, Jerry Fain just smiled politely. The two young women with whom he and Benny were double dating, though, did not hold back on their mirth to the off color tale. Both laughed long and heartily. Jenny, Jerry’s date for the evening, exhibited a radish red coloration rising from the collar of her blouse up to the level of her cheekbones as she hooted at the unexpected ending of the story. Benny’s girlfriend, Pam, was just a little more sedate in her response.  The broad circus smile on her pretty face, which was her main reaction to the joke, remained unchanged, however, for quite a long while beyond what might be considered an appropriate length of time for any such reaction to have continued. 

“That was a good one,” Pam said, still smiling brightly.

“Yeah,” Jenny agreed. “That was pretty darned rich, I really must say.” 

“Well, thank you,” said Benny, uncertainly. “I guess.”

“Eat you,” said Jenny, thinking. “I’m going to eat you…. I suppose you didn’t mean that like eating food, did you?”

“No,” Benny said, surprised that he might just have to explain the punchline of his joke. “And that’s not the way that Red Riding Hood took it, either. It was ‘eat you’ in the – ah-hum! – cunilingual sense.”

“The what sense?” Pam wanted to know.

“Pussy eating,” Jenny explained. “You know, the old redo of the ‘Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina’ song.”

“And what would that redo be?” asked a confused Jerry.

So Jenny sang it for him: “Nothing could be finer than be in her vagina in the mor-ornin’,

Nothing could be neater than when I spread’er and I eat’er in the mor-ornin.’”

“A yeah,” Jerry said cagily. “That one.”

“You never heard it before?” asked Pam.

“Not from someone of the feminine persuasion, I haven’t,” he admitted. 

“Well,” said Jenny. “Women like dirty jokes and ditties as much as guys do.”

“We just don’t go showing off that side of us to men, that’s all,” Pam said. 

A silence settled in among the four young daters and lengthened until it became something uncomfortable, in varying degrees, for all involved. Benny finally broke the conversational stalemate by letting it be known that dirty jokes sometimes got him kind of horny.

“You horny now?” Pam wanted to know.

“I little bit, I guess,” he said, then, leeringly, “How about you?”

“I might be if I had some real evidence that all this talking and singing about eating pussy has actually gotten you aroused.”

Benny huffed before asking how he could do that.

Pam sidled up to him in the back seat and ran a gentle hand over his crotch. “It feels like you’re pretty worked up down there,” she said. “But I’m the kind of person who likes to see things as well as touch them. Know what I mean, my sweet Benny boy?” 

She didn’t wait for a reply. She undid his belt, zipped down his fly and opened the button on his pants before inserting her hand under the elastic waistband of his BVDs, firmly grasping what her hand found there.  Benny drew in a sharp breath, then let out a sigh that was coupled with a slight groan. She had her boyfriend lift his buttocks so she could slip his jeans down and away from his buttocks, followed by his tighty-whities, revealing for all interested parties his naked genitalia. His scrotal sac was hunched in under his tumid penis that was emitting a watery drool as if in preparation for things to come. “Ah, yes,” said Pam as she gently stroked the shaft of Benny’s cock. “That’s the way I like to see it.”

“Me too!” chirped Jenny, her head popping up to be seen, puppet-like, over the back of the front seat of the car. “I want to see! Please let me see…. Oh, Benny! You certainly are a big boy, aren’t you?” 

“Oh damn!” he said as his erection quickly began to wane. “What am I here? Some kind of side show in the circus.”

“No, of course not,” said a solicitous Pam as she gave his flaccid dick a kiss on the head. “At least not the only show in this car. Am I right, Jenny?”

“Well,” said Jenny, reticently. “Let’s just say that Jerry and I haven’t been what you’d exactly call angels on this side of the car.”

“Don’t be coy, Jennifer,” said Jerry in his best fatherly tone. “Let your friends know what you’ve been up to the last couple of minutes.”

“You mean what you’ve been up to,” she said pointedly. “With your hand down my pants and your middle finger tippy tapping my clitty ‘til I’m jusss….. “Til I’m just abow….  About to explo-o-o-o-unnngg!”

“Well, then,” Jerry said in a tone that sounded as if it would brook no dissent.  “I think that says it all,”

“I don’t think it does,” said Pam, dissenting. “I say we should all go to Benny’s place. It is the closest, after all. Then we can find out what’s going to be next for the four of us.”

Silence, solid and deadly seeming.

“So, how about it?” Pam said, a little concerned. “Does that sound like a good idea?”

A few contemplative moments later the other three of the group all finally and heartily agreed. Jenny gave her consent to the half-baked plan in a voice reminiscent of a marathon runner raspingly giving an interview at the finish line.  



Once in her small though pleasingly decorated townhouse with her boyfriend and their companions Pam took drink order from the other three. As she headed to the kitchen to fetch beers for the guys and tequila screwdriver for Jenny she called over her shoulder telling them to feel free to get naked. “I’ll certainly be as bare as a newborn as soon as I get libations for the four of us.” She planned to join Jenny in a similar drink, though hers would be made with bourbon rather than tequila. 

True to her word, Pam returned with the drinks, her bare breasts jouncing prettily with each step she took. She sidled up to her man, Benny, and after a long pull on her drink, she began to undress him. “C’mon, you two,” she abjured Jenny shamelessly as Benny helped her get himself stripped to the skin. “Get your boy’s pants off. I want to see how his dick compares to Benny’s. And get yourself out of those clothes, too. Your pretty cootchie isn’t gonna get any more attention packed away in those butt hugging jeans you’re wearing.” 

Jenny shrugged as she and Jerry made a pile of their clothes on Pam’s living room floor. Jerry’s slightly tumescent member proved to be less thick then his friend’s but was a respectable seven inches in length. Not that anyone bothered to measure it; he had done that himself some time ago before he met Pam. It was a lonely night and he was curious about how his penile length stacked up against that of the guy on the internet porno site he had been watching. He hadn’t been impressed by the result but it didn’t concern him to any great degree, either. 

“So what do we do here?” Jerry wanted to know as Jenny expertly worked his dick to a rock solid mass by use of her tongue, mouth and hands. “Just have sex with our boyfriends here on the floor?”

“Not full blown sex,” said Pam, “but something I think the guys will get into doing in just a few minutes.”

“And what, pray tell,” said Jenny, “would that be?”

“Like Benny told us in that joke,” she said. “You and I are going to get eaten!”

Upon hearing this, the boys immediately traded leering looks with one another. Then they got down to some serious deep kissing with their young ladies as their hands hungrily explored every entryway into their girlfriends’ naked torsos.  The girls did some rather expert finger probes of their own before knees buckled and two young and anxious bodies landed on the floor in a salacious heap. The other two angled themselves, with little or no finesse, onto the couch with a soft thud. 

Male faces buried themselves into feminine crotches as the pursuit of the most intense of female orgasms began in earnest. It had not begun as anything approaching a contest, but that was what it had turned into. “Doin’ the ol’ lickety splits” is the way that Benny described what he and Jerry were concerned with at that moment. “Slurpin’ up all that delicious vagina juice. Yum!”

Pam let out a laugh that sounded a little like a hiccough a moment before she began to writhe under her boyfriend’s lingual ministrations. Soon she was bucking her hips, almost tossing him off of her as she shouted, “That’s it! Right there! Do it, Benny! Keep doing it just like that!” 

Jenny had her legs splayed wide as Jerry nipped, nibbled and tongue lashed her clitoris until it was as red and swollen as an inflamed boil. She was in heaven but she wasn’t as loud in her ecstasy as Pam. She could only gently groan and mewl like a kitten in her rise to what was, for her, incredible orgasmic heights. 

Soon, almost simultaneously, both girls reached climax in their own individual ways. Jenny daintily and Pam loudly. Each of them then reach down for their guys so they could hug and kiss them. Both girls then got to taste the flavor of their own wetness on their boyfriends’ tongues. Both felt the hardness of their boyfriends’ stiff member pressing against their navels as if attempting to penetrate through that shallow indent.  Pam stroked Benny’s hard dick while Jenny licked the head of Jerry’s. That, however, was as far as things went sexually.

“Well,” Pam said, breaking the mild tension that was beginning to build in the room. “I got what I came for – pardon the pun. “I’m out of here/ You coming with me, Jenny?.

Jenny looked down at Jerry’s throbbing dick, then into his pleading eyes and shrugged. “I guess so,” she said, “but how are we getting home? Benny was our ride and I don’ think….”

“Uber,” Pam said, cutting her friend off in mid-sentence. Then, brooking no further discussion, she said, “C’mon, then. Let’s get dressed.”

So they quickly donned their clothes while the boys watched in silent wonder.  The girls then unceremoniously left, shutting the door carefully behind them so that it did not slam. As soon as they were out on the street Pam was on her cell phone arranging an Uber pick up at the nearest street corner.

Back in Benny’s apartment, the two naked young men were still dumbstruck by what had just happened. “That was the first time they did that and got the hell out in such record time,” said Benny. “Usually there would be a period of, like, decompression, maybe a little cuddling.”

“Not this time,” Jerry agreed. “This time it was ‘wham-bam, thank you, ma’am’ to the max.”

“Not to worry, though,” said Benny, getting up to gather his clothes in preparation for getting dressed. “Next time we’ll be the ones to get our ashes hauled. Sucky or fucky, of course, still remains to be seen.”

“Yeah,” Jerry said, dolefully stroking his cock, starting with a slow, even rhythm and gradually speeding his motions until he was very near to climax. He stopped before he actually ejaculated on his friend’s hardwood floor. “Then we’ll be the ones to send them packing after we’ve both had our fun.”

“And so our little tradition continues,” Benny said contemplatively. His eyes glazed for the moment in thoughtful silence, and then he asked, “Something to eat? Maybe Chinese takeout?” 

“Food sounds like just the thing,” said Jerry. “But I’m more in the mood for pizza, or maybe just Italian.”

“Italian it is, then,” said Benny. “Il Pomodoro is only three blocks away; best lasagna I’ve ever had, and pizza, too.”

“Lead the way, my friend,” said Jerry enthusiastically. “I’m right behind you.”


Stephen Faulkner is a native New Yorker who was transplanted with his wife, Joyce, to Atlanta, Georgia. He and his wife are now both retired and living the good life in Central Florida. Steve’s first novel, Aliana in Paradise was published by World Castle Publishing in 2018; his second, Lunar Effects was published by Eden Stories in 2020; Speculations, a book of short stories, has just been released by Bridge House Publishing. All are available through and

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